Killing the People-Pleaser

Feeling a little murder-y? I got you, boo.

Image by author, created with AI.

I killed my inner people-pleaser. You can read all about that here.

10-out-of-10, I recommend trying this at home.

You might get hung up on the “killing” part. Aren’t we meant to take gentle steps forward and give all parts of ourselves grace? you ask. Sure, maybe, but I was sick and tired of letting the ingratiator in me steer the ship. Killing was the quickest way to put me out of her misery.

You might also think, if you’re familiar with shadow work,¹ that accepting the people-pleaser is exactly what you should do, because embracing the undesirable parts of ourselves is essential to achieving an integrated whole.

But that’s not right either, because the people-pleaser isn’t my shadow. It doesn’t cause shame, anxiety or fear. Or if it does, it’s small potatoes compared to the overwhelming emotions I’ll experience if I do stand up for myself.

So, we’ll stick with killing.

If you, too, feel like your inner doormat has it coming, please follow along.

The method below relies heavily on the teachings of Carolyn Elliot as outlined in her incredible book, Existential Kink. I talk about Existential Kink here and here and regularly credit it for the end of my therapy journey. Not that I’m suggesting that anyone stop going to therapy—especially if it’s working. It’s just that after 35 years of going, I was ready to hear my soul’s wisdom and use that as my North Star instead. Existential Kink is the guidebook that allows me to do this.

Carolyn Elliot offers a teaching certification on the EK methodology. I don’t have that. This is just a method that I piecemealed together to suit my needs, and it worked. It may not work for you. It may only work for you in tandem with the guidance of a professional. But it’s free and it’s worth a try if you’re fed up with thinking of the perfect comeback days after the fact and then remembering that you wouldn’t have had the guts to say it anyway.