I love your acceptance of your wife. It sounds like she would benefit from some self-acceptance too. Sending her hugs, even if she doesn't know about it.
We definitely grew up in the eye of the diet storm. I always thought I was fat, and looking back at pictures, I had a lovely, unloved body. Now, I catch myself in a full-length mirror and am surprised to find myself larger than I imagine. Reverse dysmorphia. And I'm fine with that. Feels like payback.
Being fine with it (hell, better than fine, let's strive for "loving toward") is truly the first step toward healthy. I read a post recently where the author lamented, "why didn't I realize I was hot?" and it totally resonated. I hope we can teach the younger generations to be kinder to themselves 💜
For me, it was my nose. I remember as a teenager wanting to be a doctor to make a lot of money so I could afford a surgery. It haunted me for years, and I only very recently healed that at 43. But it haunted me for years and it came also from a random comment made by someone unimportant and unhappy. Could we just start being nice and elevate each other instead of belittling others?
I absolutely agree with the Big Dick Contest with our traumas. Another form of comparison and comparison is another conditioning to keep us from healing, so we are repeat buyers. "My trauma is so small compared to that girl, maybe it doesn't count and I'm just too sensitive" I hear some of us say.
But the truth is, small or big, your trauma still LIVES inside you and it needs to be felt and acknowledged. Otherwise, we carry it forever and can never heal.
I think it's time that we stop internalizing other people's projected shadows on us and own our experiences and how we feel as legitimate, kindly pointing at the others that your business has nothing to do with them and that she should look instead into why they're triggered. It's our responsibility to call others on their BS. Let's continue to build our inner strength to do so.❤️ We absolutely need to stop listening to other people's pain bodies, as Eckhart Tolle calls it.❤️
Forgive the personal question, Isa, but did you end up getting surgery? It sounds like you didn’t, and found healing anyway, which strikes me as impossibly strong. I know you plan to write about your healing journey on your pub, so feel free to point me to a future story, but I’d love to know if you have any tips for people in a similar situation? Did you use mirror work? I’m very interested in your experience.
I fear the world will always have bullies and even just thoughtless teens like the one in my story. Schools really ought to have curriculum about resilience and to teach kids that what others think of them is none of their business.
No I didn’t get surgery and yes, I made my way to healing, as incredible as it may sound. I didn’t do mirror work, it’s so inefficient I find because it’s like forcing yourself into acceptance and love without ever processing the underlying emotional charge, which never worked for me. Just like positive affirmations. They work eventually, but you need to detox yourself from beliefs and conditioning first.
So I’ll try to summarize what made a difference for me as best as I can, but, spoiler alert, it’s gonna be a long answer. It was not a linear process, nor was it a targeted one. But, looking back, I’m able to identify some pointers.
First, I stepped away from mirrors. I stopped looking at my perceived flaw every morning before leaving the house and started to focus on feeling good. Because when you feel good, you look good. But it was not a “girls night out” kind of feel good, nor was it the Friday night glass of wine feeling good type. It was feeling good through my senses and also nurturing myself emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. Connecting with nature, doing things I enjoy that fuels me (cooking healthy meals, doing yoga, dancing ballet, etc…), learning something I’m passionate about and practice feeling my emotions when they arise without judgment. Feeling, being embodied and present with your body sensations of pleasure and enjoyment stops the mind from criticizing or remixing your old tunes because it’s busy feeling and observing. That helps A LOT. And curiously, the more I feel good, the more I feel beautiful and people tell me so!!
Meanwhile, I coached myself around other people’s opinions and came to a point where I integrated that opinions are just opinions, they don’t define me. It’s a concept I knew, but knowing it was not enough. I had to feel it in my bones and Covid allowed me to do so. I also did a forgiving process with the person who pointed my nose to me. My forgiving process is very efficient to free yourself from past emotions and to get to inner peace.
I also did shadow work with myself, which allowed me to step out of judgment towards others (although I still need to intentionally cultivate that) and therefore, judgment towards myself has dropped dramatically. I’ve found myself tipping more and more towards acceptance and understanding.
Another thing that I’m sure helped to shift from the reptilian brain where the trauma lives to the prefrontal cortex was looking at what I feed my body. I ditched sugar and gluten (decision unrelated to the nose trauma healing), made my intention to live as aligned as I could with myself, which had an impact on my moods and my perception of myself and my nose. I can’t emphasize this enough. What we feed our bodies impacts our brains/moods.
There was also shamanic energy work that I did (I’m a trained shaman from The Four Winds), including fire ceremonies, soul retrievals and journeying to the original trauma of other issues but somehow, it helped me to be more integrated as a woman and it has had an impact on healing this nose wound as well. I was less and less triggered by looking at it and one day, it was just ok. These energy practices are invaluable to get the emotional overload and the charge of the trauma out of your field and body. Seriously.
Well, looking back, it may seem like it’s a lot of things, but it felt seamless. One change guiding me to the other. As I said previously, it was not linear and sometimes I was doing things simultaneously. Anything positive we do for ourselves in an area has a positive impact on everything else anyways, so it’s never lost.
I remember myself thinking that I could never really heal from anything and now I recognize that it’s just a conditioning, a cultural narrative that healing is hard and that it takes forever, which is absolute BS. No one is too broken to heal and healing is not hard, it’s just uncomfortable. It’s also not long when we don’t have expectations and we take the guidance one step at the time.
Sorry that’s so long of an answer but healing is such an intricate and fascinating paradoxical complexity and such personal process to each of us. There’s NO one path to healing, but my hope is that you find some things in here that you resonate with and that are going to move you forward on this healing journey!
Oh my gosh I love this response. It’s such a holistic approach and it makes so much sense that it wasn’t linear and that it might sound like a lot to someone else. I’ve learned to use self-soothing (a word I LOVE) and the feelings I embody in that process as a way to heal. I could probably do some forgiveness work around the people in my life who made comments, so duly noted. I’m also aware that despite my best efforts to not judge others, there’s more shadow integration needed in that area. I sure hope you’ll elaborate on your shamanic expertise and experiences on your publication, as I am very intrigued by the subject. Thank you, Isa, for such a thoughtful and helpful response 🩵
Ugh, photos kill me. I hate 99% of photos I'm in, and I hate that I hardly even look at anyone else. But as I read your comment, I realized that your self-awareness, and mine, are so important for our healing. We're making real progress if we've pulled these stories out of our unconscious and into the light where we can counter them with wonderful stories like "my husband loves my body."
I really wish my wife would read your stuff. But that Boston Irish Catholic stubborn streak is a force of nature. But I wouldn't change it if I could.
I love your acceptance of your wife. It sounds like she would benefit from some self-acceptance too. Sending her hugs, even if she doesn't know about it.
We definitely grew up in the eye of the diet storm. I always thought I was fat, and looking back at pictures, I had a lovely, unloved body. Now, I catch myself in a full-length mirror and am surprised to find myself larger than I imagine. Reverse dysmorphia. And I'm fine with that. Feels like payback.
Being fine with it (hell, better than fine, let's strive for "loving toward") is truly the first step toward healthy. I read a post recently where the author lamented, "why didn't I realize I was hot?" and it totally resonated. I hope we can teach the younger generations to be kinder to themselves 💜
For me, it was my nose. I remember as a teenager wanting to be a doctor to make a lot of money so I could afford a surgery. It haunted me for years, and I only very recently healed that at 43. But it haunted me for years and it came also from a random comment made by someone unimportant and unhappy. Could we just start being nice and elevate each other instead of belittling others?
I absolutely agree with the Big Dick Contest with our traumas. Another form of comparison and comparison is another conditioning to keep us from healing, so we are repeat buyers. "My trauma is so small compared to that girl, maybe it doesn't count and I'm just too sensitive" I hear some of us say.
But the truth is, small or big, your trauma still LIVES inside you and it needs to be felt and acknowledged. Otherwise, we carry it forever and can never heal.
I think it's time that we stop internalizing other people's projected shadows on us and own our experiences and how we feel as legitimate, kindly pointing at the others that your business has nothing to do with them and that she should look instead into why they're triggered. It's our responsibility to call others on their BS. Let's continue to build our inner strength to do so.❤️ We absolutely need to stop listening to other people's pain bodies, as Eckhart Tolle calls it.❤️
Forgive the personal question, Isa, but did you end up getting surgery? It sounds like you didn’t, and found healing anyway, which strikes me as impossibly strong. I know you plan to write about your healing journey on your pub, so feel free to point me to a future story, but I’d love to know if you have any tips for people in a similar situation? Did you use mirror work? I’m very interested in your experience.
I fear the world will always have bullies and even just thoughtless teens like the one in my story. Schools really ought to have curriculum about resilience and to teach kids that what others think of them is none of their business.
No I didn’t get surgery and yes, I made my way to healing, as incredible as it may sound. I didn’t do mirror work, it’s so inefficient I find because it’s like forcing yourself into acceptance and love without ever processing the underlying emotional charge, which never worked for me. Just like positive affirmations. They work eventually, but you need to detox yourself from beliefs and conditioning first.
So I’ll try to summarize what made a difference for me as best as I can, but, spoiler alert, it’s gonna be a long answer. It was not a linear process, nor was it a targeted one. But, looking back, I’m able to identify some pointers.
First, I stepped away from mirrors. I stopped looking at my perceived flaw every morning before leaving the house and started to focus on feeling good. Because when you feel good, you look good. But it was not a “girls night out” kind of feel good, nor was it the Friday night glass of wine feeling good type. It was feeling good through my senses and also nurturing myself emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. Connecting with nature, doing things I enjoy that fuels me (cooking healthy meals, doing yoga, dancing ballet, etc…), learning something I’m passionate about and practice feeling my emotions when they arise without judgment. Feeling, being embodied and present with your body sensations of pleasure and enjoyment stops the mind from criticizing or remixing your old tunes because it’s busy feeling and observing. That helps A LOT. And curiously, the more I feel good, the more I feel beautiful and people tell me so!!
Meanwhile, I coached myself around other people’s opinions and came to a point where I integrated that opinions are just opinions, they don’t define me. It’s a concept I knew, but knowing it was not enough. I had to feel it in my bones and Covid allowed me to do so. I also did a forgiving process with the person who pointed my nose to me. My forgiving process is very efficient to free yourself from past emotions and to get to inner peace.
I also did shadow work with myself, which allowed me to step out of judgment towards others (although I still need to intentionally cultivate that) and therefore, judgment towards myself has dropped dramatically. I’ve found myself tipping more and more towards acceptance and understanding.
Another thing that I’m sure helped to shift from the reptilian brain where the trauma lives to the prefrontal cortex was looking at what I feed my body. I ditched sugar and gluten (decision unrelated to the nose trauma healing), made my intention to live as aligned as I could with myself, which had an impact on my moods and my perception of myself and my nose. I can’t emphasize this enough. What we feed our bodies impacts our brains/moods.
There was also shamanic energy work that I did (I’m a trained shaman from The Four Winds), including fire ceremonies, soul retrievals and journeying to the original trauma of other issues but somehow, it helped me to be more integrated as a woman and it has had an impact on healing this nose wound as well. I was less and less triggered by looking at it and one day, it was just ok. These energy practices are invaluable to get the emotional overload and the charge of the trauma out of your field and body. Seriously.
Well, looking back, it may seem like it’s a lot of things, but it felt seamless. One change guiding me to the other. As I said previously, it was not linear and sometimes I was doing things simultaneously. Anything positive we do for ourselves in an area has a positive impact on everything else anyways, so it’s never lost.
I remember myself thinking that I could never really heal from anything and now I recognize that it’s just a conditioning, a cultural narrative that healing is hard and that it takes forever, which is absolute BS. No one is too broken to heal and healing is not hard, it’s just uncomfortable. It’s also not long when we don’t have expectations and we take the guidance one step at the time.
Sorry that’s so long of an answer but healing is such an intricate and fascinating paradoxical complexity and such personal process to each of us. There’s NO one path to healing, but my hope is that you find some things in here that you resonate with and that are going to move you forward on this healing journey!
Oh my gosh I love this response. It’s such a holistic approach and it makes so much sense that it wasn’t linear and that it might sound like a lot to someone else. I’ve learned to use self-soothing (a word I LOVE) and the feelings I embody in that process as a way to heal. I could probably do some forgiveness work around the people in my life who made comments, so duly noted. I’m also aware that despite my best efforts to not judge others, there’s more shadow integration needed in that area. I sure hope you’ll elaborate on your shamanic expertise and experiences on your publication, as I am very intrigued by the subject. Thank you, Isa, for such a thoughtful and helpful response 🩵
Ugh, photos kill me. I hate 99% of photos I'm in, and I hate that I hardly even look at anyone else. But as I read your comment, I realized that your self-awareness, and mine, are so important for our healing. We're making real progress if we've pulled these stories out of our unconscious and into the light where we can counter them with wonderful stories like "my husband loves my body."
Go, us 💜